Biker Biyatch, or Why I Don't Wear Short Skirts

I was watching the first episode of the original Bionic Woman, where Steve meets Jamie on the tennis courts in their home town. Background: Steve is already the Six Million Dollar Man, Jamie is a tennis pro, not yet bionic. Jamie looked super cute in her tennis whites, especially the short shorts.

I paused youtube and reflected.

I rarely wear mini skirts.

In my family, this is a mortal sin. I was raised by a mini-mom who has all her favorite minis from the 1960s which she still wears, and used to loan to me and my sisters until we grew bigger than her. I grew up with mini dresses, mini-kilts and mini-halter tops. I was even raised with mini-dogs, Bella being the very epitome of mini-dog. I love Mini Coopers, mini bananas and brussel sprouts (mini lettuce). Without minis, I feel un-moi.

So why am I not returning to my faith and wearing mini skirts? Because of a motorcycle.

The Professor's fantasy is a bike ride from here to wherever-- him, his motorcycle, me and a short skirt. The problem with his fantasy is that wearing a mini-skirt on a motorcycle looks hot because it is a bit ho. Yes, I mean ho bag. The mini skirt (or pencil skirt for that matter) is incredibly difficult to maneuver politely and prudently when hopping or riding on a motorcycle, especially those of the "crotch rocket" genre. Note: A wrap-around DVF dress can potentially be the worst choice.

The Professor thinks I am insane because I need to know what kind of vehicle we are taking-- scooter or motorcycle- at all times. He thinks that since I can't rock a mini skirt on his motorcycle (and I complain sometimes on the scooter), I am a Rome amateur.

"I've seen tons of girls in mini skirts on bikes. It's very sexy."

Yes, I have seen these girls too. Some of them were from Via Salaria. Others had really bad fashion sense. And the ones who were veritably stylish were in magazine ads. I have tried and look ridiculous as I hold down the skirt to avoid any Britney moments- frontal and posterior. To paraphrase Mrs. Oz, "The whole world could see my fanny."

"Seriously, every Italian girl does it."

I decided that I needed a second opinion so I walked into a local hair salon.

Moi: "Scusi, tu frequenti donne?"
Excuse me, do you date women?

Hair Guy: "Si."
Yes, weirdo.

Moi: "Quando uscite insieme, e lei si veste in mini-gonna, andate in motorino o moto?"
When you go out together, and she wears a mini skirt, do you go in scooter or bike?

Hair Guy: "In macchina. Come mai?"
In my car. Why?

Moi: "Mio ragazzo dice che tutte le ragazze italiane vanno in moto con mini gonne."
My boyfriend says that all italian girls wear minis on bikes.

Hair Guy: "Le ragazze italiane? Sta scherzando???"
Italian girls? Is he fucking kidding himself?!!

All hail high maintenance! You want mini? Take a taxi.